What Do You Give Someone Who Has Everything?

@1999 JHL

Looking for that hard-to-find Christmas or birthday gift for someone who seems to have everything; then look no further. Here’s a list of things you can give when you just don’t know….

1. His last rites.
2. An appointment to every specialist in the phone book.
3. An anonymous tip to the IRS hot line.
4. A letter to his wife explaining your delicate condition.
5. An invoice for running up gas prices with his fleet of SUV’s, boats, motor homes, etc.
6. A request for an environmental impact statement regarding his new golf course and swimming pool next to your septic tank.
7. A subpoena to court for monies owed you for your stress and emotional distress as you try to keep up with his life style.
8. A slap up the side of the head. Just ‘cause.
9. A vodka martini with a twist of arsenic.
10. A loverly bunch of coconuts stuffed down the toilets of his humongous mansion.
11. A TV show of his/her own so he/she can continue to let people know how much more money he/she has than anyone else alive.
12. A gratitude journal—volumes one through one hundred.
13. An Extreme Makeover, Home Edition where they just tear down his house and walk away.
14. An all-expenses paid trip to Ethiopia so he can see how the other half lives.
15. An appointment for a colonoscopy at the Jiffy Lube.
16. Forceps to remove his head from his ass.
17. Arrange to have Michael Jackson baby sit his kids.
18. An invoice for at least half the national debt.
19. Hack into his computer and sell all his stocks and bonds at a loss.
20. Arrange to have a worldwide boycott of any product any of his companies manufacture.
21. Send him a blackmail letter telling him you know where the second set of accounting books are hidden.
22. An extra helping of Ex-Lax in his birthday cupcake.
23. A bottle of whiskey with no bite, and a Rottweiler that will.
24. A boa constrictor with an affinity for a person with a big head.
25. A copy of a letter sent to the FAA, FBI, and ATF stating that they should be looking into that funny white powder found in his private jet.